A Change of Mind, of Room, of Tea

To start here is a gorgeous calming picture, now lets enter the storm.

My last post was about my favorite thing in the world, books. Today will be partially about books but also about the small journey I have been going through for the past few weeks. Keeping in mind that books have always been my escape from reality I will tell you about this journey. 

Starting about three weeks ago I started to go back down into a depression; I started to question my decisions, whether they were well thought out or not, and in turn had started to question my own essence. The stress has come from my relationship, or I could say relationships, and my ability to cope. One day my amazing boyfriend told me that he felt I was ignoring him for this other guy. (For those who aren't every-post-readers I am in an open relationship and have the equivalent of two boyfriends, yes it is complicated to say the least.) Because I don't use their real names I'll remind you my boyfriend is "Tim" and my, what some have been calling side guy, his name is "Matt." Go back to my previous post and you can see my little freak-out rant. 

Anyway, I went down to So-Cal last week and I loved it. I loved being with him. The way I feel when I am with him is as if we have known each other our entire existence. It is as if we are the girl and boy who grew up next to each other that everyone knows will be married one day. We swam and played with his dog; we went on long walks and a few adventures; we spent the week not being rushed or forcing activities, but instead relaxing and just enjoying the presence of each other. All of this made it even harder to understand my emotions between him and Matt. So now to Matt. I got back and he was ecstatic to see me, I mean jumping off the walls begging me to hang out as soon as possible. Skip forward a bit and I was about to reach a huge breakthrough personally, I just didn't know that yet. My best friend Tatiana from Finally Freckled, and Matt and I were all hanging out. We watched a movie, headed to his house, drank some bomb tea, and went swimming (oh can't forget the AMAZING sandwiches we ate.) It's like we aren't even trying when we are together; we are like magnets also, pulling towards each other in an endless dance that I don't even notice. 

This whole time I have been waiting in anticipation. Waiting for Tim to admit his jealousy even though I "have permission to see other people", waiting for Matt to demand that I pick one or the other, but most of all I think I have been waiting for the moment when I snapped. Well, wouldn't you know it, on the way back from Matt's house Tatiana and I were in the car and the tears started flowing. We talked about a lot on the way back to her house, and in the end I felt a strong resolve to stop putting them both through this; most importantly, to stop putting myself through this. My mental, physical, and spiritual health is growing weaker, and my resolve to pretend I am capable of juggling two men and all three of our emotions is gone. I guess Matt understood that because the next night we talked. He asked me to choose. 

So here I sat all day. At this new desk. Soothing myself with pots of tea's, fancy tea cups, candles galore, and my books. I've made my new resolution to myself quite clear. The physical things between Matt and I have stopped, and when Tim gets here in a week and a half the first thing we will do is talk. In the end I have to pick one. I have always been the "Yes" girl, that one girl who no matter what her predicament, strives to be the individual to make every person whom she surrounds herself with happy. I'm saying no more. This is for me. I refuse to be the one to make everyone happy. I like them both, and the pro's and con's are very even (as Tatiana and I discussed) but I know in the end where I want to be. So for now I will relax, drink my tea's, wonder into my fantasy land of books, and be blissfully ignorant of the world. 

"Living is Easy with Eyes Closed" -John Lennon

And with that I bid you goodnight. 

x Be Blonde Be Beautiful x

The Literary Addiction

For many years I have loved the knowledge that comes from books. The idea that you can enter a world entirely different than your own, just by opening the pages and letting your imagination roam. Growing up it is clear to me the long lasting effects of a well read and well educated individual. Whether at home, or at school, even in the general public the advantage of those who have read early on and often is plain to see. 

My grandmother and mom have always pushed me to be the best person that I could be. At the age of two I started reading chapter books. At the age of 5 I horded flashlights so that at night I could read under my blankets; I say horded because I did not know you could replace the batteries, of course mom finally figured that out and stopped buying them for me. At the age of 7 I was reading the Harry Potter books at an alarming rate. Fast forward 11 years, and at my now age of 18, my "literary addiction" is worse than ever. 

You book lovers out there know what I mean. We read for fun, we live in the world where anything is possible if you pick up a book, and we fall in love with in depth characters. There is a great quote by George R. R. Martin that all of you who are teased, scorned, and tormented for your love of knowledge should know and take to heart. 

“A reader lives a thousand lives before he dies... The man who never reads lives only one.”

Before you delve back into your worlds of fantasy, history, or whatever your vice may be. Here is a poem I wrote in High School for your entertainment.

Abaft the tranquility is barred, a gate from which the pain cannot seep.

A tired mind and shattered soul sentinel the ingression to secrets beneath. 

Only time reveals and only love may heal. 

But one hole shall take more time to fill. 

Nothing to mend, everything bent.

Some things just missing.     

A soft and plaintive cry eludes and the barred gates start hissing.

x Be Blonde Be Beautiful x

Spring Break 2015

The stress from the semester was almost overwhelming as the time for spring break rolled around on Thursday last week. Thankfully class ended on Thursday and it seemed as if the stress on my body was instantly lifted. I was about to head down to my boyfriends house for the break and the thought alone of seeing him later that day made me so happy I could cry. Unfortunately, this meant a 7 hour drive starting at 3 o'clock in the afternoon and I did dread the drive to Apple Valley all the way from Napa. In case you don't know what that looks like, its something like this...

Its a long, very straight, and altogether a not entertaining drive. The views are dull, the weather is hot, and its blindingly sunny when its 3 o'clock in the afternoon. Finally, after 7 1/2 hours of boring as hell driving I arrived at his house at 10:30pm. Thankfully he kissed me and hugged me and we got to go in the hot tub before a great nights sleep. 

Four days later and my spring break vacation in the lovely, and frankly hot as hell, southern California is going amazing! We have been swimming and hot tubing every day and night which has been so much fun although not without negative side effects. I did get one of the worst sunburns even though I lathered up on sunscreen, wore a hat, and went in and out of the sun every 30 mins. Other than swimming we have been watching movies, relaxing, playing with his adorable dog Sarge, and just plain messing around. I have been so relaxed and with no homework assigned for the 10 days of relaxation. Tomorrow I'm not sure what I will be posting but I know I will come up with something. So here are some pictures from my So-Cal vacation. 

Lather up, get out in the sun, and enjoy yourselves! 

Felt confident enough to wear a bikini! <3 My journey to loving myself is working. 

Its been sunny like this everyday starting at 7:30 am! With the highest temperature, so far, being over 85 degrees.

Here's my boyfriends 8 month old puppy. His name is Sarge. Were teaching him how to love swimming.

x Be Blonde Be Beautiful x

The Trouble With Love

If you have read all my blog posts you will have no doubt seen that I am in fact in an open relationship. Well I can't lie to you guys. Its been hell. To start with my amazing boyfriend of almost a year and a half. For the sake of this post lets call him Tim. So Tim and I are doing great well depending on your view of things. We Skype, text, Facebook, and I think of him constantly. The problem with that is that it only took me about 2 weeks to be so miserable I wanted to crawl in a hole and stay there. I started crying every night, having dreams that would make me miss him so much I was sick. Tim seemed fine, at least that's what he was telling me, he was part of a new boy scout adventure crew and started going to school. Naturally I am always happy when he isn't unhappy. The only problem with that is that I was so miserable I couldn't begin to even pretend I was OK without him. In steps, lets call him Matt, so in steps Matt. I met him online and thought it would be great to have some new friends in town (well sorta from town or at least near). 

Matt is so much fun, he is so smart, and well honestly hes cute. So in case you couldn't tell what the dilemma was, here it is. Matt is amazing, and he fills that hole that Tim made when he left me here without him. But I love Tim so much it seems unfair to hang out with Matt so much. Naturally after hanging out a while with Matt (and being in an open relationship) things progressed to a little more than friendship. He kissed me, I kissed him. So per our agreement I told Tim everything about Matt and I. He tells me hes ok with it and he is just glad I'm not so unhappy anymore. I believed him because I have never had any reason to think he wouldn't tell me what hes thinking. 

In the end Tim lied and he is upset about it. Now I don't see Matt as much and now I miss both of them. I guess when it comes to guys I just don't really have any idea what I'm doing. I miss Tim so much it hurts and Matt says he misses me. I miss them both. 

Well I don't really have a life lesson here yet but I guess its more of a rant today. 

x Be Blonde Be Beautiful x

Its All About My Nips

I am so sorry I didn't post yesterday as promised about my experience with getting my nipples pierced. First of all I went with my best friend Tatiana because she and I are so close and I was way to scared to go alone!!!

We get there 15 mins early. Now I know your thinking "wouldn't that make you more nervous" surprisingly it helped so much being there just breathing and getting prepared mentally. When my piercer arrived she was so young and welcoming and she made sure to make me as comfortable as possible we talked for a bit till we finally get to the nitty gritty business of it. 

The first part of the process was the easiest! Its where you choose where you want the piercing to go so you stand in front of a mirror and she takes a pen and puts two dots on both sides of each of your nipples. It is SOOOOOOOO important that you voice you opinion here guys, If you want a dot higher or lower than you gotta say so! Unfortunately this is the point where you reach the hard part. You sit in a chair and she used a pair of clamps to make the dots line up and to pull up my nipples and she puts the needle through you! Now, I have read many stories and did so much research about which one hurts more the first or the second. Some of them were lucky and had two piercers so they could do both at once but for me it was the gruesome one at a time. The first one I had done was the right side and I thought it hurt maybe a 7/10 and figured that it wasn't so bad. I was so wrong because he second one on the left hurt so much worse, like at least a 9/10 but I still pulled through! 

In the end I had to lay back in the chair for about 5 mins because I got dizzy and thought I was going to pass out. But my piercer got me some water and let me sniff an alcohol pad and I was good to go in 5 mins. After it was straight to Tatiana's (my friend from Finally Freckled) house and we laid there I took a bunch of tylenol and she gave me ice for my boobies. We watched movies and relaxed all day long!

In the end even the weakest of us can endure the worst pain for a few seconds for things we want. 

x Be Blonde Be Beautiful x

The Breaking News On My Chest

Ok so as promised at the end of this post I will be putting my before picture at the end of this post, however, for the first part of this post I will be telling you some awesome news. I HAVE DECIDED TO GET MY NIPPLES PIERCED. Yes I know that this is a "personal piece of information" but I always post "personal" things on here...Its a blog isn't it! Alright so I had a little help deciding with my bf's approval and also my best friend helped me choose.

It's going down tomorrow y'all! I am so nervous but I have read up on all the stuff I need to know but I really am kinda scared. I guess we will see how it goes. Tomorrow I will for sure be posting an extensive review of the process. I hope you all wish me luck. Here is to hoping that they look as good as this picture!

I have a far way to go as far as my goal in fitness. I once was very healthy and fit unfortunately with a big surgery last may and then also having my wisdom teeth taken out in August I have gained at least 40 pounds. With a strict exercise plan and support of many people I hope in 12 weeks time I will be back to my healthy fit weight. So as promised (although I think its horrible) my before picture is finally being posted. I have big goals and hope to reach them as soon as possible.

Until tomorrow when I give you my update on the most nerve wracking experience of my life.

x Be Blonde Be Beautiful x

Kayla's Kicking my Butt

It's Sunday y'all!!

 I have been in Southern Cali. since Thursday visiting my man and I love it the weather is fantastic 80 degrees and above every day! I have been getting my tan on, enjoying the sun, and relaxing. I of course had my usual course load of homework including the essay but I took my best friend from the blog Finally Freckled's advice and laid in the sun, did about an hour at a time, and did not distract myself during with social media or anything. Needless to say its done, I'm happy, now I can relax till I leave tomorrow afternoon *sad face.*

The homework moutain

The gorgeous Mojave desert sun!

On another entirely different note. About two weeks ago me and my best friend, who has her own blog called Finally Freckled at finallyfreckled.com, purchased Kayla Itsines Bikini Body Guide Weeks 1-12. We both saw so many people with great results from her program and both decided we want to get on top of being not only skinny, but healthy and in shape. Week 2 is coming up and so far I am so sore but feeling good and getting more and more motivated! The program is intense not something you should do halfheartedly! However that being said on Kayla's website (https://www.kaylaitsines.com.au/) there are free downloadable work outs so you can see and try out the exercises and if you think you can do those then I would recommend her guide. 

I won't be posting weekly progress shots although I will be taking one every week, instead I will be posting an update every 4 weeks so you can all so how much of a change there is. So far there isn't much change although I feel more energized and excited for my workouts. Don't be fooled though they are so hard! Tomorrow I will post the before shot. 

x Be Blonde Be Beautiful x