A Long Eventful Journey

I know its been quite literally forever since I last posted, and maybe there is not many of you left which is OK. I have just recently realized that in this the hardest time of my life I am struggling to find the positives. A great deal of things has happened in the past months both good and bad, yet I find myself in a dark place. My doctor diagnosed me with severe adult depression. This really wasn't a shock to me at all. With the build up of seemingly unimportant events threatening to crush my spirit and life entirely I figured it was only time before I realized how far gone I really was. It happened a few weeks ago when my boyfriend of now 2 years had a job interview while I was down there. Fast forward several hours and he was hired on the spot. 

I felt crushed.

The thing was for the last ten months the long distance has made me sad and desolate. Everyday I would tell myself that our two year anniversary would be what made it all worth it. I planned everything. He would show up and signs would tell him to shower and put on the nice suit he brought like I asked him to. Then the signs and flowers would lead him to me outside in a long pink dress (pink is not my color but I wanted to get out of my comfort zone) and the limo would pick us up and take us to this winery for dinner. That wasn't even the best part. At dinner I was going to give him two plane tickets. We were going to go to Washington for 3 days and 2 nights and stay at a nice hotel and hike and relax. How could I not be crushed hearing that his new job started only 7 days before our anniversary?!

I tried hard for the next few days, after a total meltdown when we got home, to be better and not to make him feel bad about not being able to make it up for our anniversary. So when I got home I canceled everything...heartbroken. The next day I called my therapist. 

Things are getting better. I have to work really hard on me. 

It isn't even close to everything weighing on me...but it was the most important. I think tomorrow I will post about something happy. 

x Be Blonde Be Beautiful x

A Change of Mind, of Room, of Tea

To start here is a gorgeous calming picture, now lets enter the storm.

My last post was about my favorite thing in the world, books. Today will be partially about books but also about the small journey I have been going through for the past few weeks. Keeping in mind that books have always been my escape from reality I will tell you about this journey. 

Starting about three weeks ago I started to go back down into a depression; I started to question my decisions, whether they were well thought out or not, and in turn had started to question my own essence. The stress has come from my relationship, or I could say relationships, and my ability to cope. One day my amazing boyfriend told me that he felt I was ignoring him for this other guy. (For those who aren't every-post-readers I am in an open relationship and have the equivalent of two boyfriends, yes it is complicated to say the least.) Because I don't use their real names I'll remind you my boyfriend is "Tim" and my, what some have been calling side guy, his name is "Matt." Go back to my previous post and you can see my little freak-out rant. 

Anyway, I went down to So-Cal last week and I loved it. I loved being with him. The way I feel when I am with him is as if we have known each other our entire existence. It is as if we are the girl and boy who grew up next to each other that everyone knows will be married one day. We swam and played with his dog; we went on long walks and a few adventures; we spent the week not being rushed or forcing activities, but instead relaxing and just enjoying the presence of each other. All of this made it even harder to understand my emotions between him and Matt. So now to Matt. I got back and he was ecstatic to see me, I mean jumping off the walls begging me to hang out as soon as possible. Skip forward a bit and I was about to reach a huge breakthrough personally, I just didn't know that yet. My best friend Tatiana from Finally Freckled, and Matt and I were all hanging out. We watched a movie, headed to his house, drank some bomb tea, and went swimming (oh can't forget the AMAZING sandwiches we ate.) It's like we aren't even trying when we are together; we are like magnets also, pulling towards each other in an endless dance that I don't even notice. 

This whole time I have been waiting in anticipation. Waiting for Tim to admit his jealousy even though I "have permission to see other people", waiting for Matt to demand that I pick one or the other, but most of all I think I have been waiting for the moment when I snapped. Well, wouldn't you know it, on the way back from Matt's house Tatiana and I were in the car and the tears started flowing. We talked about a lot on the way back to her house, and in the end I felt a strong resolve to stop putting them both through this; most importantly, to stop putting myself through this. My mental, physical, and spiritual health is growing weaker, and my resolve to pretend I am capable of juggling two men and all three of our emotions is gone. I guess Matt understood that because the next night we talked. He asked me to choose. 

So here I sat all day. At this new desk. Soothing myself with pots of tea's, fancy tea cups, candles galore, and my books. I've made my new resolution to myself quite clear. The physical things between Matt and I have stopped, and when Tim gets here in a week and a half the first thing we will do is talk. In the end I have to pick one. I have always been the "Yes" girl, that one girl who no matter what her predicament, strives to be the individual to make every person whom she surrounds herself with happy. I'm saying no more. This is for me. I refuse to be the one to make everyone happy. I like them both, and the pro's and con's are very even (as Tatiana and I discussed) but I know in the end where I want to be. So for now I will relax, drink my tea's, wonder into my fantasy land of books, and be blissfully ignorant of the world. 

"Living is Easy with Eyes Closed" -John Lennon

And with that I bid you goodnight. 

x Be Blonde Be Beautiful x

The Trouble With Love

If you have read all my blog posts you will have no doubt seen that I am in fact in an open relationship. Well I can't lie to you guys. Its been hell. To start with my amazing boyfriend of almost a year and a half. For the sake of this post lets call him Tim. So Tim and I are doing great well depending on your view of things. We Skype, text, Facebook, and I think of him constantly. The problem with that is that it only took me about 2 weeks to be so miserable I wanted to crawl in a hole and stay there. I started crying every night, having dreams that would make me miss him so much I was sick. Tim seemed fine, at least that's what he was telling me, he was part of a new boy scout adventure crew and started going to school. Naturally I am always happy when he isn't unhappy. The only problem with that is that I was so miserable I couldn't begin to even pretend I was OK without him. In steps, lets call him Matt, so in steps Matt. I met him online and thought it would be great to have some new friends in town (well sorta from town or at least near). 

Matt is so much fun, he is so smart, and well honestly hes cute. So in case you couldn't tell what the dilemma was, here it is. Matt is amazing, and he fills that hole that Tim made when he left me here without him. But I love Tim so much it seems unfair to hang out with Matt so much. Naturally after hanging out a while with Matt (and being in an open relationship) things progressed to a little more than friendship. He kissed me, I kissed him. So per our agreement I told Tim everything about Matt and I. He tells me hes ok with it and he is just glad I'm not so unhappy anymore. I believed him because I have never had any reason to think he wouldn't tell me what hes thinking. 

In the end Tim lied and he is upset about it. Now I don't see Matt as much and now I miss both of them. I guess when it comes to guys I just don't really have any idea what I'm doing. I miss Tim so much it hurts and Matt says he misses me. I miss them both. 

Well I don't really have a life lesson here yet but I guess its more of a rant today. 

x Be Blonde Be Beautiful x

They Can Sense It

So this last week was the first actual week of school and I am keeping up well between the reading and writing notes in every class that I have. You know for college classes they say that for ever hour of class you spend you should spend 2 hours studying for that class, sounds easy enough right. Well it isn't! Thankfully you have all these other outgoing kids in your class to study with *sarcasm*, in the end your on your own honestly. However, recently I have noticed a strange occurrence in my life and it honestly has nothing to do with the studying. So since my amazingly loving boyfriend and best friend of a little over a year moved down to Apple Valley, 448 miles from me, I have been alone here. With the exception of my friend and fellow blogger Finally Freckled I haven't hung out with many other people especially from school. Now a LDR (Long Distance Relationship) does a few things when you love the other person very much the main two are that you feel alone and you feel vulnerable.

Now I kid you not that I'm serious about what I say next. THE MALE GENDER CAN SENSE YOUR VULNERABILITY! I'm not kidding I swear there must be a giant yellow sign on my back that says "This one right here, she's sad and missing her man so now is the time to STRIKE!" If there any guys out there please feel free to correct me. The only conundrum I have with this is what I think is something every girl has which is that its never when you are single. For example; about a month before my current long term man was in the picture I had no guys interested, there was literally zero men who would even flirt with me. But now, now is a whole another story! After being in a relationship for longer than a year I still have men asking me out, constantly. This week alone the numbers are reaching the double digits, so maybe its the sadness of missing him, or maybe they sense I am weak but all I know is I won't ever understand men. 

I miss him but the countdown is on because I'll be driving down to him to see him for valentines day weekend. So worth it.

x Be Blonde Be Beautiful x