A Long Eventful Journey

I know its been quite literally forever since I last posted, and maybe there is not many of you left which is OK. I have just recently realized that in this the hardest time of my life I am struggling to find the positives. A great deal of things has happened in the past months both good and bad, yet I find myself in a dark place. My doctor diagnosed me with severe adult depression. This really wasn't a shock to me at all. With the build up of seemingly unimportant events threatening to crush my spirit and life entirely I figured it was only time before I realized how far gone I really was. It happened a few weeks ago when my boyfriend of now 2 years had a job interview while I was down there. Fast forward several hours and he was hired on the spot. 

I felt crushed.

The thing was for the last ten months the long distance has made me sad and desolate. Everyday I would tell myself that our two year anniversary would be what made it all worth it. I planned everything. He would show up and signs would tell him to shower and put on the nice suit he brought like I asked him to. Then the signs and flowers would lead him to me outside in a long pink dress (pink is not my color but I wanted to get out of my comfort zone) and the limo would pick us up and take us to this winery for dinner. That wasn't even the best part. At dinner I was going to give him two plane tickets. We were going to go to Washington for 3 days and 2 nights and stay at a nice hotel and hike and relax. How could I not be crushed hearing that his new job started only 7 days before our anniversary?!

I tried hard for the next few days, after a total meltdown when we got home, to be better and not to make him feel bad about not being able to make it up for our anniversary. So when I got home I canceled everything...heartbroken. The next day I called my therapist. 

Things are getting better. I have to work really hard on me. 

It isn't even close to everything weighing on me...but it was the most important. I think tomorrow I will post about something happy. 

x Be Blonde Be Beautiful x

The Trouble With Love

If you have read all my blog posts you will have no doubt seen that I am in fact in an open relationship. Well I can't lie to you guys. Its been hell. To start with my amazing boyfriend of almost a year and a half. For the sake of this post lets call him Tim. So Tim and I are doing great well depending on your view of things. We Skype, text, Facebook, and I think of him constantly. The problem with that is that it only took me about 2 weeks to be so miserable I wanted to crawl in a hole and stay there. I started crying every night, having dreams that would make me miss him so much I was sick. Tim seemed fine, at least that's what he was telling me, he was part of a new boy scout adventure crew and started going to school. Naturally I am always happy when he isn't unhappy. The only problem with that is that I was so miserable I couldn't begin to even pretend I was OK without him. In steps, lets call him Matt, so in steps Matt. I met him online and thought it would be great to have some new friends in town (well sorta from town or at least near). 

Matt is so much fun, he is so smart, and well honestly hes cute. So in case you couldn't tell what the dilemma was, here it is. Matt is amazing, and he fills that hole that Tim made when he left me here without him. But I love Tim so much it seems unfair to hang out with Matt so much. Naturally after hanging out a while with Matt (and being in an open relationship) things progressed to a little more than friendship. He kissed me, I kissed him. So per our agreement I told Tim everything about Matt and I. He tells me hes ok with it and he is just glad I'm not so unhappy anymore. I believed him because I have never had any reason to think he wouldn't tell me what hes thinking. 

In the end Tim lied and he is upset about it. Now I don't see Matt as much and now I miss both of them. I guess when it comes to guys I just don't really have any idea what I'm doing. I miss Tim so much it hurts and Matt says he misses me. I miss them both. 

Well I don't really have a life lesson here yet but I guess its more of a rant today. 

x Be Blonde Be Beautiful x