To start here is a gorgeous calming picture, now lets enter the storm.
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My last post was about my favorite thing in the world, books. Today will be partially about books but also about the small journey I have been going through for the past few weeks. Keeping in mind that books have always been my escape from reality I will tell you about this journey.
Starting about three weeks ago I started to go back down into a depression; I started to question my decisions, whether they were well thought out or not, and in turn had started to question my own essence. The stress has come from my relationship, or I could say relationships, and my ability to cope. One day my amazing boyfriend told me that he felt I was ignoring him for this other guy. (For those who aren't every-post-readers I am in an open relationship and have the equivalent of two boyfriends, yes it is complicated to say the least.) Because I don't use their real names I'll remind you my boyfriend is "Tim" and my, what some have been calling side guy, his name is "Matt." Go back to my previous post and you can see my little freak-out rant.
Anyway, I went down to So-Cal last week and I loved it. I loved being with him. The way I feel when I am with him is as if we have known each other our entire existence. It is as if we are the girl and boy who grew up next to each other that everyone knows will be married one day. We swam and played with his dog; we went on long walks and a few adventures; we spent the week not being rushed or forcing activities, but instead relaxing and just enjoying the presence of each other. All of this made it even harder to understand my emotions between him and Matt. So now to Matt. I got back and he was ecstatic to see me, I mean jumping off the walls begging me to hang out as soon as possible. Skip forward a bit and I was about to reach a huge breakthrough personally, I just didn't know that yet. My best friend Tatiana from Finally Freckled, and Matt and I were all hanging out. We watched a movie, headed to his house, drank some bomb tea, and went swimming (oh can't forget the AMAZING sandwiches we ate.) It's like we aren't even trying when we are together; we are like magnets also, pulling towards each other in an endless dance that I don't even notice.
This whole time I have been waiting in anticipation. Waiting for Tim to admit his jealousy even though I "have permission to see other people", waiting for Matt to demand that I pick one or the other, but most of all I think I have been waiting for the moment when I snapped. Well, wouldn't you know it, on the way back from Matt's house Tatiana and I were in the car and the tears started flowing. We talked about a lot on the way back to her house, and in the end I felt a strong resolve to stop putting them both through this; most importantly, to stop putting myself through this. My mental, physical, and spiritual health is growing weaker, and my resolve to pretend I am capable of juggling two men and all three of our emotions is gone. I guess Matt understood that because the next night we talked. He asked me to choose.
So here I sat all day. At this new desk. Soothing myself with pots of tea's, fancy tea cups, candles galore, and my books. I've made my new resolution to myself quite clear. The physical things between Matt and I have stopped, and when Tim gets here in a week and a half the first thing we will do is talk. In the end I have to pick one. I have always been the "Yes" girl, that one girl who no matter what her predicament, strives to be the individual to make every person whom she surrounds herself with happy. I'm saying no more. This is for me. I refuse to be the one to make everyone happy. I like them both, and the pro's and con's are very even (as Tatiana and I discussed) but I know in the end where I want to be. So for now I will relax, drink my tea's, wonder into my fantasy land of books, and be blissfully ignorant of the world.
"Living is Easy with Eyes Closed" -John Lennon
And with that I bid you goodnight.
x Be Blonde Be Beautiful x
