Nightly Thought

I woke up in the middle of the night and realized that I hadn't posted here in a very long time. I think that it would be good to start writing again, and to see if I can make this regular. Now I am laying here wide awake. Too many thoughts are running through my head tonight and laying here I just thought I would try to write some things down.

I have been feeling tired of the long distance lately.

I miss having all my friends where I could see them because they have moved away.

I saw and old friend for the first time in a long time and it really made me happy which is conflicting.

I feel overwhelmed by all my peers and feel such stress to get a degree and be successful.

I wonder why I can't be as happy as I used to.

x Be Blonde Be Beautiful x

In The Darkest Dark My Mind Churns

Last night I awoke after my first post in quite a while, and like usual I had some of the strangest thoughts. So naturally I also had the most strange responses to myself. As I lay there not quite sure that I awoke, only sure that I could hear the rain on the window pain above my head and the soft sigh of the wind I reminisced on the things I have experienced. I thought about the knowledge I know, and all the knowledge I wish to attain...it is a strange thing, knowing that you wish to know more about how to know as much as possible. Yet all the while feeling you know too much. 

Its like this, my nightly thoughts.

It's horrible to say that I feel such unease, especially knowing the things that I do, and ignoring the things that I don't. I fear the intelligence of the mind often renders it's user disadvantageous. For as I lay in my bed, only hoping for the asylum of mindless abyss if only to receive the soft answer of the wind, I instead endure an amaranthine assault of thoughts and questions. Of most of these I am sure I will never have the answer to. These casuistic, and frankly illogical questions, often only support my most recent belief. That ignorance truly is bliss. A man named Aldous Huxley once said "facts don't cease to exist because they are ignored" but it had me thinking that surely it must be easy to posses fewer curiosities if only you retain less to be curious about. 

Just my two cents on the topic. 

x Be Blonde Be Beautiful x

A Long Eventful Journey

I know its been quite literally forever since I last posted, and maybe there is not many of you left which is OK. I have just recently realized that in this the hardest time of my life I am struggling to find the positives. A great deal of things has happened in the past months both good and bad, yet I find myself in a dark place. My doctor diagnosed me with severe adult depression. This really wasn't a shock to me at all. With the build up of seemingly unimportant events threatening to crush my spirit and life entirely I figured it was only time before I realized how far gone I really was. It happened a few weeks ago when my boyfriend of now 2 years had a job interview while I was down there. Fast forward several hours and he was hired on the spot. 

I felt crushed.

The thing was for the last ten months the long distance has made me sad and desolate. Everyday I would tell myself that our two year anniversary would be what made it all worth it. I planned everything. He would show up and signs would tell him to shower and put on the nice suit he brought like I asked him to. Then the signs and flowers would lead him to me outside in a long pink dress (pink is not my color but I wanted to get out of my comfort zone) and the limo would pick us up and take us to this winery for dinner. That wasn't even the best part. At dinner I was going to give him two plane tickets. We were going to go to Washington for 3 days and 2 nights and stay at a nice hotel and hike and relax. How could I not be crushed hearing that his new job started only 7 days before our anniversary?!

I tried hard for the next few days, after a total meltdown when we got home, to be better and not to make him feel bad about not being able to make it up for our anniversary. So when I got home I canceled everything...heartbroken. The next day I called my therapist. 

Things are getting better. I have to work really hard on me. 

It isn't even close to everything weighing on me...but it was the most important. I think tomorrow I will post about something happy. 

x Be Blonde Be Beautiful x

The Black Room

I have a room in my head, and I fear its from despair.

A room as black as night I have, and in it sits a chair.

You see when I get lost and lonely, I go and sit in there.

Where vacant eyes and distant thoughts are all I have to share.

So I sit in my black room, and at the world I stare. 

I Dream of Travel

As of late I have been spending my time doing light reading, adventuring the great wilderness, and dreaming of travel. I have lately come to realize that my desires for the future  are in fact somewhat out of reach, however, I have also come to realize that where I am now will not get me there. So I have been sitting, planning, plotting, and quite frankly dreaming of a future for myself where I have everything I want. Let no one say that achieving all of your dreams is easy for surely it is the biggest challenge of all. Well why don't I go back a little bit for all of you lovely people who read this. Although, sometimes I have no idea if anyone reads this at all.  

Well about two weeks ago my best friend from Finally Freckled and I went to Lake Berryessa. Which is about 45 minutes from Napa, California. We got our sandwiches, tea, water, and chips and headed up with our beach towels and my boyfriend. Lately he and I have been drifting but thankfully he agreed to come and see me for his spring break because I went down for mine. He drove because he is a sweetie...usually. He's the top left, I realize y'all have never seen him before so, here he is dorkiness and all. 

Well we stayed for about two hours and soaked up the sun, tested the waters, and took many pictures together. Oh, and of course we ate our sandwiches! Meanwhile I have taken up some light reading recently. I am halfway through Tale of Two Cities; just started Ernest Hemingway's compilation of short stories; also am going to start Henry V by William Shakespeare.

Finally I am busy planning many trips with Finally Freckled, including our near adventure to college we hope! So far our travel plans are extensive and detailed, however, I am almost entirely positive that by the time we graduate and it is time for this trip that more than a few details will change.

Side note I got a sweet lanyard based on the art work Starry Night by Van Gogh and a super cute book phone case that's a map too!!! I promise I will post tomorrow and Friday! An update on my relationship, and maybe on something else very entertaining. It may seem boring to you but this is my life as of late. 

x Be Blonde Be Beautiful x

A Change of Mind, of Room, of Tea

To start here is a gorgeous calming picture, now lets enter the storm.

My last post was about my favorite thing in the world, books. Today will be partially about books but also about the small journey I have been going through for the past few weeks. Keeping in mind that books have always been my escape from reality I will tell you about this journey. 

Starting about three weeks ago I started to go back down into a depression; I started to question my decisions, whether they were well thought out or not, and in turn had started to question my own essence. The stress has come from my relationship, or I could say relationships, and my ability to cope. One day my amazing boyfriend told me that he felt I was ignoring him for this other guy. (For those who aren't every-post-readers I am in an open relationship and have the equivalent of two boyfriends, yes it is complicated to say the least.) Because I don't use their real names I'll remind you my boyfriend is "Tim" and my, what some have been calling side guy, his name is "Matt." Go back to my previous post and you can see my little freak-out rant. 

Anyway, I went down to So-Cal last week and I loved it. I loved being with him. The way I feel when I am with him is as if we have known each other our entire existence. It is as if we are the girl and boy who grew up next to each other that everyone knows will be married one day. We swam and played with his dog; we went on long walks and a few adventures; we spent the week not being rushed or forcing activities, but instead relaxing and just enjoying the presence of each other. All of this made it even harder to understand my emotions between him and Matt. So now to Matt. I got back and he was ecstatic to see me, I mean jumping off the walls begging me to hang out as soon as possible. Skip forward a bit and I was about to reach a huge breakthrough personally, I just didn't know that yet. My best friend Tatiana from Finally Freckled, and Matt and I were all hanging out. We watched a movie, headed to his house, drank some bomb tea, and went swimming (oh can't forget the AMAZING sandwiches we ate.) It's like we aren't even trying when we are together; we are like magnets also, pulling towards each other in an endless dance that I don't even notice. 

This whole time I have been waiting in anticipation. Waiting for Tim to admit his jealousy even though I "have permission to see other people", waiting for Matt to demand that I pick one or the other, but most of all I think I have been waiting for the moment when I snapped. Well, wouldn't you know it, on the way back from Matt's house Tatiana and I were in the car and the tears started flowing. We talked about a lot on the way back to her house, and in the end I felt a strong resolve to stop putting them both through this; most importantly, to stop putting myself through this. My mental, physical, and spiritual health is growing weaker, and my resolve to pretend I am capable of juggling two men and all three of our emotions is gone. I guess Matt understood that because the next night we talked. He asked me to choose. 

So here I sat all day. At this new desk. Soothing myself with pots of tea's, fancy tea cups, candles galore, and my books. I've made my new resolution to myself quite clear. The physical things between Matt and I have stopped, and when Tim gets here in a week and a half the first thing we will do is talk. In the end I have to pick one. I have always been the "Yes" girl, that one girl who no matter what her predicament, strives to be the individual to make every person whom she surrounds herself with happy. I'm saying no more. This is for me. I refuse to be the one to make everyone happy. I like them both, and the pro's and con's are very even (as Tatiana and I discussed) but I know in the end where I want to be. So for now I will relax, drink my tea's, wonder into my fantasy land of books, and be blissfully ignorant of the world. 

"Living is Easy with Eyes Closed" -John Lennon

And with that I bid you goodnight. 

x Be Blonde Be Beautiful x

The Literary Addiction

For many years I have loved the knowledge that comes from books. The idea that you can enter a world entirely different than your own, just by opening the pages and letting your imagination roam. Growing up it is clear to me the long lasting effects of a well read and well educated individual. Whether at home, or at school, even in the general public the advantage of those who have read early on and often is plain to see. 

My grandmother and mom have always pushed me to be the best person that I could be. At the age of two I started reading chapter books. At the age of 5 I horded flashlights so that at night I could read under my blankets; I say horded because I did not know you could replace the batteries, of course mom finally figured that out and stopped buying them for me. At the age of 7 I was reading the Harry Potter books at an alarming rate. Fast forward 11 years, and at my now age of 18, my "literary addiction" is worse than ever. 

You book lovers out there know what I mean. We read for fun, we live in the world where anything is possible if you pick up a book, and we fall in love with in depth characters. There is a great quote by George R. R. Martin that all of you who are teased, scorned, and tormented for your love of knowledge should know and take to heart. 

“A reader lives a thousand lives before he dies... The man who never reads lives only one.”

Before you delve back into your worlds of fantasy, history, or whatever your vice may be. Here is a poem I wrote in High School for your entertainment.

Abaft the tranquility is barred, a gate from which the pain cannot seep.

A tired mind and shattered soul sentinel the ingression to secrets beneath. 

Only time reveals and only love may heal. 

But one hole shall take more time to fill. 

Nothing to mend, everything bent.

Some things just missing.     

A soft and plaintive cry eludes and the barred gates start hissing.

x Be Blonde Be Beautiful x