In The Darkest Dark My Mind Churns

Last night I awoke after my first post in quite a while, and like usual I had some of the strangest thoughts. So naturally I also had the most strange responses to myself. As I lay there not quite sure that I awoke, only sure that I could hear the rain on the window pain above my head and the soft sigh of the wind I reminisced on the things I have experienced. I thought about the knowledge I know, and all the knowledge I wish to attain...it is a strange thing, knowing that you wish to know more about how to know as much as possible. Yet all the while feeling you know too much. 

Its like this, my nightly thoughts.

It's horrible to say that I feel such unease, especially knowing the things that I do, and ignoring the things that I don't. I fear the intelligence of the mind often renders it's user disadvantageous. For as I lay in my bed, only hoping for the asylum of mindless abyss if only to receive the soft answer of the wind, I instead endure an amaranthine assault of thoughts and questions. Of most of these I am sure I will never have the answer to. These casuistic, and frankly illogical questions, often only support my most recent belief. That ignorance truly is bliss. A man named Aldous Huxley once said "facts don't cease to exist because they are ignored" but it had me thinking that surely it must be easy to posses fewer curiosities if only you retain less to be curious about. 

Just my two cents on the topic. 

x Be Blonde Be Beautiful x

A Long Eventful Journey

I know its been quite literally forever since I last posted, and maybe there is not many of you left which is OK. I have just recently realized that in this the hardest time of my life I am struggling to find the positives. A great deal of things has happened in the past months both good and bad, yet I find myself in a dark place. My doctor diagnosed me with severe adult depression. This really wasn't a shock to me at all. With the build up of seemingly unimportant events threatening to crush my spirit and life entirely I figured it was only time before I realized how far gone I really was. It happened a few weeks ago when my boyfriend of now 2 years had a job interview while I was down there. Fast forward several hours and he was hired on the spot. 

I felt crushed.

The thing was for the last ten months the long distance has made me sad and desolate. Everyday I would tell myself that our two year anniversary would be what made it all worth it. I planned everything. He would show up and signs would tell him to shower and put on the nice suit he brought like I asked him to. Then the signs and flowers would lead him to me outside in a long pink dress (pink is not my color but I wanted to get out of my comfort zone) and the limo would pick us up and take us to this winery for dinner. That wasn't even the best part. At dinner I was going to give him two plane tickets. We were going to go to Washington for 3 days and 2 nights and stay at a nice hotel and hike and relax. How could I not be crushed hearing that his new job started only 7 days before our anniversary?!

I tried hard for the next few days, after a total meltdown when we got home, to be better and not to make him feel bad about not being able to make it up for our anniversary. So when I got home I canceled everything...heartbroken. The next day I called my therapist. 

Things are getting better. I have to work really hard on me. 

It isn't even close to everything weighing on me...but it was the most important. I think tomorrow I will post about something happy. 

x Be Blonde Be Beautiful x